A year of death and how I'm going to deal with it!

Death. It’s probably the worst word you can hear. It deals with people, relationships, events, but most importantly it deals with life. I made a statement a while back “I don’t want to go to one more funeral this year.” I feel like this year has been the year of death, for me and for my friends & family. I feel like I’ve become numb to death, when I was young I remember my first wake I ever went to. It was for a cousin. It was 1985; I didn’t understand death at such a young age. I remember the casket was closed; my Mother didn’t take me up to the casket at all. I sat on the side and watched my Aunt Angie looking at the flowers and talk to people. The room felt sad but people were also talking about him and telling stories, there were laughs and some tears. At first I thought that’s what events like this were like. Not too long after at the same funeral home I went to another wake, this time I was a little older, the casket was open and I walked up with my Mother and paid my respects. I didn’t cry, I looked at the person laying there, they seemed very peaceful. It wasn’t until I walked up to the relatives that I crumbled. I didn’t know what that emotion was, I didn’t know this person well but this emotion hit me and it hit me hard. Coming from a large Italian family and at that point being the youngest it was a realization at that point that this wasn’t going to be the last time I would experience this pain. As I got older I watched the people around me who seemed to be invincible die. Nothing hit me as hard as my Grandmother & Uncle Bernie. Two people whom I thought would be in my life forever. They passed away many years apart. When my Grandmother died I was 7, I remember when my Mother told me and I thought the world was over. I was shielded from the services but when my Uncle passed I was in my late teens and I felt like my world again was over. In between their deaths there were many Aunts & Uncles and a couple classmates that had passed but none effected me as much as those two. But as I look back now I realized I found a way to deal with it and move on. Did I ever really get over them passing? No, but I found a way to live.

I’m sitting here today a 35 year old man, I’m very happy with my life. I don’t have a million dollars but I have a fiancé, I have family around me, I have friends that I wouldn’t trade anything for and I run my own theater company. I have a job, a roof over my head and food in my stomach. I’m alive and I’m living. Do the memories of these people pass through my head now and again? They sure do. Do I get sad that they are gone? I sure do, it’s an emotion you can’t control.

This past year I’ve experienced a lot of death around me and yesterday it hit close to home. Last night I received word that a friend passed away in his sleep. He wasn’t even 40 yet. I read a facebook post and couldn’t believe it. I met him many years ago and we became very close very quick. As friends we worked, as lovers we didn’t. I realized when I met Chad why Rich and I didn’t work. A romantic relationship should be easy, not saying that it’s always perfect but it should be easy. With Rich it wasn’t easy and we both knew this. We remained friends and talked each other through hard times, bad break ups & life in general. I believe like I do with anyone, that he came into my life for a reason. As hard as it is I believe that reason was to show me how a relationship should be. Do I mourn his passing? I sure do. There are moments with him that I wouldn’t change for the world, he showed me that when I meet the one that I would know it. For him I am eternally grateful for showing me that. Am I mad that he’s gone? I sure am, but I realize I can’t change that, all I can do is live.

This past year I also lost my last two Grandparents. It wasn’t until I lost them that I realized I learned a lot from them. They passed very close together, my Grandmother passed first. I hadn’t seen her in a long time but I was lucky enough after her passing to spend a little time with my Grandfather. When my Grandmother passed I looked back at the times in my childhood I spent with them. My Grandmother had a hug that lasted forever. She had a laugh that could fill a room, a heart as big as gold and a sense of humor that was like no other. Lucky for me I inherited her sense of humor. My Grandfather was quieter than her; he let her be the center of attention.  Every Christmas eve the family gathered at their house with a tree that was almost hidden by the mountain of gifts. My Grandmother sat at the counter high above everyone as they opened their gifts. My Grandfather always sat in the living room in the same spot on the sofa listening to everyone. They spent hours putting this all together and had such great satisfaction at seeing our joy. For the last two years my Grandmother was very sick and my Grandfather spent his days taking care of her, never spending time away from her (unless it was to pick up the paper or a racing form.) When she passed I could see how his world crashed but he continued to live, although it wasn’t long after her passing that he passed on too. It was almost fate, although he left behind so many family members his heart was for her. With his passing came sadness but for me I knew he taught everyone that life truly goes on. They left behind a large family but they left behind a legacy of caring and compassion.

So, why did I write this blog? This morning I woke up alone in my apartment and I looked at my phone and saw comments on a picture I posted on Rich’s facebook page. It was real, I hadn’t dreamt it. I felt sadness and no motivation to get up and go to work. I called in and laid on the couch for a couple hours. Then a light bulb went off in my head, I didn’t have an epiphany and maybe the light bulb wasn’t too bright, but I thought to myself…”What the hell are you doing? Do you think that he would want you to lay there and feel sorry for yourself? Get your ass up and live!”

When someone dies we feel such sadness and anger, we can’t help that we are human. I think the most important thing we can do in our lives is to find out what to do with that sadness and anger. Your life will never be the same when someone dies but your life wouldn’t be the same without them coming into it. Am I saying that it’s easy for Rich’s close family to do what I did this morning? Was it easy for my Aunt who helped take care of my Grandparents for the past two years to do the same? It isn’t but what we can learn from death and dying is that there is still life and that life goes on. Would I give anything to speak to Rich one more time, to get a hug from my Grandmother, to thank my Grandfather for accepting me & Chad, to be 7 again eating breakfast on a Saturday with my Grandmother and to have to the chance to tell my Uncle thank you for everything that he did for my Mother & I for so many years? I would but I can’t, but I also know in my heart of hearts that I can’t let death run my life.

As a theater person I was lucky enough to do a play called “Torch Song Trilogy.” In that play my character lost his lover suddenly and his mother gave him the best advice about death that anyone could ever give – ”Give yourself time, Arnold. It gets better... But, Arnold, it never goes away. You can work longer hours, adopt a son, fight with me, whatever... it'll still be there. But that's all right; it becomes a part of you, like learning to wear a ring or a pair of eyeglasses. You get used to it. And that's good. It's good; because it makes sure you don't forget. You don't want to forget him, do you?”

So as I close this blog I ask you to look around you and look at your life, look at your friends, your family and think to yourself…”Death sucks, I hate it, I never want to experience it but when I do I have to remember to live because that is the greatest gift we can give the people in our lives that have passed on.”